All I Want For Christmas... is Murder!

By Timothy Lantz

"Hold it right there, Santa. No one leaves this little soiree until I say so. Got it?"

The man in the Santa Claus suit sat back down.

"Now, which one of you wants to tell me who found the body?"

A tall blonde stood from the table. She was dressed in a dark green evening gown. In her hair she wore a little sprig of mistletoe. "Mr. Parks discovered the man."

"Alright, where is this Mr. Parks? And who are you?"

"I'm Emily Wagner, this is my home," she paused. "My party."

Arthur Castle looked around the room at the twenty or so fashionably dressed partygoers. "And Mr. Parks?"

"He is my steward. He's seeing to the staff."

"Okay Mrs. Wagner, I think you better come with me. I want to talk to Parks."

Emily turned to walk through the double doors leading to the hall. "It's Miss," she stated.

"Excuse me?"

"Miss Wagner. I'm not married."

Emily led the detective through the corridor and down to the kitchen. Along the way, Arthur took stock of the art collection displayed in the hall.

"Pretty fancy house, miss Wagner. Inheritance?"

"Is that important?" She asked coldly.

Frowning, he simply replied, "Could be. I'll let you know."

The kitchen was a sterile operation looking more like a hospital than a place of culinary preparation. White tile walls and stainless steel counter tops all polished to perfection. At the opposite end stood three young women. They were dressed as elves and two were trying to console the third, a frail little red head, crying. Nearby, stood two gentlemen with white coats and black pants. They were both Mex. "Cooks," figured Castle. The only other figure was a thin man, probably in his fifties. He wore a red dinner jacket and green tie. A porcelain snowman was clipped to his pocket.

"You Parks?"

"Yes sir, right this way. I'll show you to the body."

"Settle down chief, I ain't even asked yet, and unless somebody's changed the rules, I don't think he's goin' any where." At that, the elf began sobbing louder. Arthur cringed, but otherwise paid her no mind. "I want a guest list." He looked around. "And is this all the staff?"

"There's a bartender. He's in the dinning room. A driver, oh and Sadie."

"Sadie?"

"The maid." Stated Miss Wagner.

"Okay. Round everyone up and have them gather in the dining room. We're gonna have to take statements." Arthur turned to the steward once more. "Now, let's have a look at this body."

Mr. Parks directed Castle to the study. It was a large room full of unread books and dusty old trophies. At its center was a large mahogany desk, behind which, were a set of French doors leading outside to a small patio. Upon the desk lay a varied assortment of gift-wrap papers, bows and ribbons. On the floor, rested the remains of a rather stocky gentleman in his early forties. He was dressed in a pair of brown slacks, no belt and a simple gray sweatshirt.

"Get me that guest list." He ordered Parks, before bending down to examine the body.

Parks shuffled over and gently nudged the French door, "Drafty old things," he muttered before slipping out of the room.

Arthur thought for a moment and then looked at the doors. Then shaking his head he turned and gave closer inspection to the body. Apparently, he had suffered a major blow to the back of the head and that was the cause of death. There didn't seem to be any other marks on the victim. He carried no I.D. and curiously, both of his shoes were untied.

Standing, Arthur took a glance around the room. He was looking over the desk when Parks entered carrying a piece of paper.

"Here's your guest list, Detective."

"Save it. Let's go back to the dining room. Everyone assembled?"

"Almost. The driver had taken Sadie home for the night. I sent him to bring her back."

Arthur smiled. "Excellent."

Inside the dining room a few uniformed officers made busy taking down names and alibis. Meanwhile, Emily tried to comfort her guests and was apologizing for the unfortunate interruption of their holiday. She seemed out of sorts and Arthur almost felt sorry for her. He stood in the doorway, watching the goings on and taking stock of the different guests. Finally, one of the uniformed officers noticed he had returned and gave him a shrug. He winked back and threw him a smile.

"Attention, everyone please settle down." The room hushed almost immediately. "I'd like to apologize for breaking up your party, but it appears that we have a dead man in the next room. Currently, we have accounted for everyone here, however we are still waiting on the return of some of the staff. While we wait, I'd like to make this as pleasant as possible so, Santa, if you would, please pass out the presents."

The two uniformed men both gave him a questioning look, while Miss Wagner silently mouthed, "what are you doing?"

Arthur just ignored them. "Go on, Santa."

Santa glanced around the room and then shrugged. He rose and walked over to the large sack placed beside the tree and began pulling gifts out and reading the names. As each name was called, the appropriate recipient stood and walked over to take possession of their present. Most were still in a state of shock, but a few of the more libertine guests, made light and soon the atmosphere of the room had eased somewhat.

Emily slipped over to Castle and gave him a stern look. "What exactly are you up to detective?"

"Oh, just solving a murder. Let me know when the maid gets here."

The gift giving lasted about twenty minutes, after which Mr. Parks approached Arthur to let him know that Sadie had arrived. He nodded and told him to keep her out in the hall until he asked for her.

"Well it seems as though Santa has done alright by you folks this year," he announced to the room. "But there's still one gift left to give isn't there, Mr. Claus?"

Santa shifted his weight and glanced nervously around the room.

"In fact, I'm guessing there's a present for me in that bag as well. Am I right?"

Santa was sweating now. His eyes scanned the exits and without warning he broke into a rush for the door. Arthur stepped to intercept him as the two uniformed officers moved to block the exit.

In a lightning quick strike, Castle flinched out his right fist and popped Santa in the nose, drawing blood and dropping him where he stood. "Sit down, Rudolph."

Arthur now had complete command of the room. He could have scarred these people to death just by looking at them if he so chose. However, he simply walked over to Santa's bag and picked it up off the floor. Reaching inside he pulled out the last remaining present.

"No tag. Must be mine."

He tore open the paper revealing a cold black revolver. "Just what I always wanted," he joked, although no one laughed.

"Boys, bring Sadie in here."

The officer led a small, elderly, black woman into the room. She wore a nervous look and didn't seem to understand just what was happening to her.

"You Sadie?"

"Yes sir, I am."

"Take a look at Santa over here. He the guy you let in the door?"

Sadie bent down and slid her glasses along her nose trying to adjust the focus. After a few minutes, she finally turned to Arthur. "No sir, that is not the Santa I saw earlier."

"Thank you Sadie. Boys take St. Nick here downtown. He's got a murder to answer for."

The uniformed men gathered Santa up off the floor and slapped him in cuffs before dragging him out to the squad car.

Meanwhile, Arthur scanned the room and walked over to the bar and a waiting glass of eggnog. Miss Wagner was hot on his heels however and stopped him before he could take a drink.

"What the hell just happened here detective? How did you know?"

"Just a hunch really."

"A hunch? Remind me to take you to the track."

Arthur smiled. "There had been a few robberies in the area over the past week and it seemed to fit. I'm guessing our Santa came in through the French doors in the study. He then bopped the real Santa on the head. Probably just to take his place. I figure he was waiting until everyone got good and soused and then he was gonna pull the gun out of his bag and do a little Christmas shopping."

"Huh?"

"Your friends miss Wagner. They wear a lot of expensive jewelry."

"Oh."

"I'm guessing he didn't mean to kill the guy. He didn't seem the type. Unfortunately, our Santa had a soft head."

"So what happens now?"

"Well, that's for the courts to figure out, and you," he stated, "have a party to attend to." With that, Arthur finally took a sip of the eggnog. "Too much nutmeg." He put the glass down and started to walk away. When he reached the door he turned and waved at Emily. "Merry Christmas."

"Yeah, you too." She whispered as she watched him disappear out the door.